My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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