I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
