man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
