I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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