Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
We left the knife in your bed.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
