1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Randomize
