We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
