how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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