We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
