my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
