well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
