i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
