you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
