She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
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