She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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