Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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