Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
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The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
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dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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