If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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