I accidentally had phone sex last night
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
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We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
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