Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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