alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
