Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
