I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
