Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
