So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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