I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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