Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
did i walk over a car last night?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
