i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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