Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
