So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
But break dance skills will only take you so far
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
