The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
