god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
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