dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
