okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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