yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Randomize
