I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
