Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
