she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
