In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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