So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
