Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
