i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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