I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
