There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
