is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
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The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
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If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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