I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
