i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
