so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Randomize
