my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
