I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
