I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
