I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
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