Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
