My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
