who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
he told me I talked like a deaf person
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
