The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
