I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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