Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
