So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
