So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Randomize
