I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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