so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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