My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
he thought i was a dude.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
You can't just leave with hair like that
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Randomize
