Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
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